


Desire or Envy

by Purpletears



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Abusive Parents, Age Difference, Bottom Illumi Zoldyck, Canon-Typical Violence, Childhood Trauma, Drama, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kissing, M/M, Physical Abuse, Protective Illumi, Psychological Torture, Sexual Abuse, Sibling Rivalry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:13:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25593337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purpletears/pseuds/Purpletears
Summary: Hisoka grinned to himself staring at the skyline of Yorknew city, with ones eyes you can determine their humanity, and the person they really are. Illumi’s eyes were - his eyes matched the way he felt towards the world: dark and cold.Hiatus for the time being—in regards to this story‼️
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Comments: 11
Kudos: 76





	1. Newfound Partnerships

Illumi’s target stepped out from the black limousine, her curly brown hair falling in soft layers around bare shoulders. She fit his required description, she had the right physique and the right hair, but he'd have to wait for her to turn to get a positive identification on the face. His needle men made the siren noise, everyone turned toward it, including her. Who does not want to see an ambulance or a police chase, people were drawn to commotion.

The photograph hadn't done her justice at all. In his magnified scopes her eyes shone and there was a genuine look of concern on her symmetrical features rather than the glee of a gawker. He wanted to reach out and touch her lips, full and glossy red even in the fading light of the evening and watch as the life drains from her eyes. Her bare arms were honed from hours in the gym and about her neck sat the diamond necklace from his employers’ vault. She was the thief or someone close to them, either way his brief was to eliminate her.

He maintained a cool detachment to his targets. Mostly he preferred not to think of them, but when he did it was as if they were already dead - walking meat bags waiting to be dispatched to the butcher. He thought of them as meeting their destiny and he was merely the conduit. Everyone has to die sometime, and he considered it a good way to go. No illness, no drawn-out goodbyes. They were just happy and oblivious one second and gone the next. Simple. Convenient. Painless.

With one swift movement of his right hand, his needles flew, and she fell without even a cry, never aware of her own end. One minute she was expecting a glittering gala and the next she was gone, dispatched.

He watched as people gathered around her lifeless body, screaming for help. He sighed a sad sigh. He preferred not to assassinate people with an audience some people in the crowds maybe too vigilant and look around and spot him, he could not simply just allow that. He sat with his legs drawn up. His chin propped on his knees, as stared at nothing, in an intolerable and appalling manner. He stayed like that for a few moments before his head snapped up, overcome with great weariness; and below him the people that were gathered around his targets body were scattered in every pose of contorted collapse, as if it was some picture of a massacre or a pestilence.

_Was there another assassin on the job? For bystander clean up._

His pale hand fell to his chest to pluck out some needles, he stopped midway as the atmosphere changed around him almost immediately. Someone with the murderous intent to kill him or possibly harm him.

“I must sincerely apologise,” the other male had confessed unapologetically, he remained cloaked by the shadows, “I got bored from watching, it seems like your bloodlust set me off. I couldn’t just let them run around like headless chickens.”

Illumi stood up and twisted around to see his contender, “And you are?” he replied, clearly he was not one for small talk the other concluded.

The sound of heeled shoes nearing him, he chuckled, “My name is Hisoka. And you are?”

“You don’t need to know, I can’t see how that information will help you.” Illumi paused, his expressionless eyes staring into the eyes of the other, “If you were going to kill me you would have done it already. What do you want?”

Hisoka shrugged, “Who said I wasn’t going to kill you?” he pulled out a deck of pristine cards and began shuffling them with precision, “Maybe I wanted to hear your sweet voice before I crushed your throat or ripped out your tongue with my bare hands.”

“You would’ve done it already.”

“I like to play with my food.”

Illumi sighed, “If you wish to try and kill me, I’d rather you do it right now.” Hisoka’s lips pulled up into a smirk.

“You are more different than I had anticipated.” Hisoka folded his arms across his chest and crooned, “I had my money on a spineless fiend but you my dear Illumi have a backbone.”

Illumi without hesitation released four needles in Hisoka’s direction, “How do you know my name?” Hisoka dodged each needle with grace and elegance, he had the moves of a skilfully trained assassin, but he wasn’t an assassin. He talked too much for a well trained one at least, “Who sent you?”

Hisoka pouted tapping a finger on his right cheek, “No one, fortunately for you. I came upon my own accord.” Illumi seemed to understand right away, and he looked down. The man looked sweet and innocent on the surface, but he obviously had secrets and darkness inside him.

“Then what do you want with me, Hisoka.” He bit out, sneering his resolve slowly crumbling.

“My name sounds good rolling off your tongue, in different situation that would’ve sent me over the edge.” Hisoka said trembling slightly, he licked his lips, “But I don’t wish to kill you, yet. I wished to form an alliance.”

“So, you're not going to even _try_ to kill me?" he asked, his expression a mixture of suspicious and incredulous. Hisoka ignored the question, his eyes roaming all over Illumi’s body.

Hisoka stared into his eyes, shocked to find nothing inside. Nothing. It was like, looking inside a depth of ever-ending darkness combined with a large amount of charcoal being thrown at ones rosy red cheeks.

Illumi blinked, attempting to think this was a small side effect of paranoia, but nothing changed.

Hisoka stared.

His eyes were black.

Pure black.

_What was Hisoka searching for?_

“I work alone. I don’t need companions when completing my assignments.” Illumi stated.

Hisoka’s eyebrows rose, “Oh.” Illumi looked at him then, his black eyes drilling into his.

His eyes were a bottomless pool of darkness, he knew, but he could not help trying to find the bottom. There was a bundle of sorrow swimming in them and he wanted, needed to do something to help him. But he saw fierceness and pride in his eyes, and he knew that he would not accept any help.

“If that was all I must head home.”

“Before you go you must give me a phone number, since you didn’t decline my offer I assume it was a yes.” Hisoka grinned, “I’m happy with our newfound partnership.”

“I refuse.” And with that Illumi jumped off the edge of the building leaving Hisoka stunned but clearly aching for more contact with the oldest zoldyck son.

Hisoka grinned to himself staring at the skyline of Yorknew city, with ones eyes you can determine their humanity, and the person they really are. Illumi’s eyes were - his eyes matched the way he felt towards the world: dark and cold. The whites of his eyes contrasted sharply with the pitch-black iris that sunk deep into his head. Its depth resembled that of a black hole in space, an air of eeriness and unsettling coldness emanating from his gaze.

His hair was thick, black and poker straight, framing a broad face of bold bone structure. His body is as toned as any average man could wish his to be. There is nothing extremely feminine about him. As such his hair makes him more manly, more intense.

Hisoka shivered at the recollection. He doesn’t know whether to feel desire or envy for the Zoldyck.


	2. The Zoldyck Last Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Illumi felt that his life was turning into one lose-lose situation after another.

A wave of fear and regret came over Illumi as he ventured home.

It is possible his parents had already found out what had occurred on the rooftop because the gnawing presence of someone watching him had not stopped since he left the manor in the late evening before the job.

It also could have been that washed out clown that had propositioned him on the rooftop, but his presence was completely hidden until after the job had finished and he had only displayed his intent to kill in that very moment.

The person who was clearly tailing him clearly did not want to do Illumi any harm because if they did—they wouldn’t stand a chance they would have been dead within the second they chose to attack.

But still, even with this to knowledge he endured the niggling feeling of his parents knowing what had occurred until he reached the manor finally bracing what was to come. He didn’t mind taking the brunt of pain if it were to protect Killua for a few minutes.

It was clear they were putting Killua under the harsh ‘training’ regiments he had gone through. He doesn’t want Killua to turn out like him.

He gritted his teeth as he wandered through the halls of the family mansion. He should have killed Hisoka then and there, he _could have_ killed him. He _knows_ he could have killed him but instead he was stunned by the others vulgar remarks and unwanted requests, he took his eyes off the ball and was mesmerised for a moment or two.

When Illumi finally realised he did not have the urge to fight Hisoka, he had just wanted to go home. His father didn’t like when he killed others on a job unless they were his target especially if they didn’t jeopardise his job so killing Hisoka would’ve got him in deeper trouble but surely letting him live was equally punishable.

 _Cursed if I do, cursed if I don't_. He thought to himself.

Illumi felt that his life was turning into one lose-lose situation after another. What had happened the previous day was proof of that; he'd thought that killing everyone around his targets would have been better than just the targets to minimise the possible acknowledgement of himself

It was just a slightly less than perfect plan but to conceal his identity he chose the best option saving him from pain on both sides, but not only had Illumi gone through with his plan anyway he ignored his father’s wishes and what he did was unmistakably sloppy, his father had berated him as though a few extra dead bodies would cripple his future as an assassin.

It felt so unfair. He didn’t want to see his father right now but avoiding him will do nothing but prolong the inevitable.

_So what do I do...?_

It was a choice between keeping his parents happy or keeping Killua away from their abuse.

_Cursed if I do, cursed if I don't, indeed. It's like the whole world has something against me._

He’d do it for Killua. Keeping Killua safe was his only priority, his parent’s happiness can wait. The paralyzing dread spread through Illumi’s body like icy, liquid metal. He clenched my fists as he hesitantly took each step. He noticed his feet tremble. The doors of his fathers quarters opened slowly with a loud creaking alerting his arrival to his father.

His father looked up from his seat expectantly as if to say ‘Is it done?’

Illumi swallowed, “It’s done.” He murmured avoiding eye contact with his father’s piercing blue eyes.

“No interruptions I presume?” Illumi didn’t know if his father was asking or stating, unable to figure out what he was saying Illumi stayed quiet, his father spoke up again this time with a considerably more affirmative voice, “ _Yes_ or _no_? There’s no point deceiving your father.”

Illumi shook his head, his pale hands clenching into fists at both sides of him. Being with his father, was like resting on the porch while gale raged all around you, the ominous uneasiness of sudden danger enclosing in with nowhere to run. In this present moment time itself became more volatile.

His mother had always said the root of all fears, the rotten root of mankind, is the "fear of needs not being satiated" needing to please your parents, needing to protect and kill.

She would always say the task is to meet this fear with the same resistance a rock shows to wind - And that the resolved person lets fear blow around them and remains resolute. He remembered his mother’s words but he couldn’t execute them in this tense situation, it felt like a standoff and he was already losing.

“No. I killed the target my employer requested, my brief was to kill the girl and I did as quick and as clean as possible,” he paused, finally looking at his father searching the demanding blue orbs that pierced through his head much like a bullet would. _He knew, he must know_. He _wants_ him to continue, “But while watching the bystanders gather around her lifeless body, it must have happened when I shut my eyes for a quarter of a second because a person had killed them outright.”

His father’s impassive face did not change, “Do you know this person?”

“I know his name, he told me after he had said he was bored of watching.” Illumi confessed, “His name is Hisoka.”

“Hisoka?” He echoed back to him.

“Hisoka.” Illumi confirmed. _Did he want more information?_

Illumi’s eyes squinted as his father sighed massaging his chin, “And you didn’t sense him the whole time? He could’ve killed you.”

“His presence was only known after he had killed the others.” Illumi bit his lip, his nerves getting the better of him, “I should have been more careful, please forgive me father I was sloppy.” He bowed, his hair falling at both sides of his head.

“Why didn’t you kill him?” His father for the first time had sounded genuinely puzzled at Illumi’s actions.

“You told me when on a job I mustn’t add any pointless kills unless it jeopardised my job and when Hisoka had revealed himself I had already finished there was no point in killing him.”

“I see.”

They stayed in silence for a few minutes before his father spoke up again, “The butler I had tail you told me he heard Hisoka’s advances. He tried to get you to work with him, you declined. Why?”

“I apologise if this sounds accusatory,” His father nodded, “You told me that assassins didn’t need friends, only family. We only kill for our employers and for the sake of our family. Partnering with Hisoka would have only upturned what you had instilled into me as a child that felt like it was punishable by _death_. Bringing shame upon the family would _never_ be an option to consider father.”

“Good. You did the right thing Illumi.” He concluded after hearing Illumi’s response, the small praise warmed his cold heart, “But as you said, this Hisoka, your _pursuer_ killed a number of people within the fraction of a second. He would have been a great ally.”  
_  
Ally?_

_What?_

His fingers curled tightly around his needle he hadn’t noticed he had retrieved from his jacket, he could to see his father’s neck snapping in his mind and it felt good. He could feel his fist smashing into his nose, splattering red blood on the walls. What an improvement that would be. His aura changed in an instant.

Illumi hardly ever showed emotion beyond fatigue, even then it was barely noticeable. He showed a polite interest in the lives of his family, otherwise kept _himself_ to _himself_. But tonight was different, everything his father had said was _wrong._

When he voiced the faults of Illumi’s actions, Illumi exploded in the way his needles where launched at a target: fast and without hesitation, “Are you saying this to _mock_ me?” he spat, his emotions overflowing with a great deal of rage and disappointment, “Why must you belittle me? Hisoka is not _worthy_ of such praise, he could have killed me as you said. Shouldn’t you be more worried for your family? For your sons.” 

_For me_ remained unsaid but it was implied, his father took no notice.

He glared at Illumi with hatred in his cruel bright eyes, “Death is inevitable. If you die at the hands of Hisoka you are weak and not worthy of the last name Zoldyck.”

After those last words are uttered by his father, adrenaline flooded his system, it pumped and pulsed like it was attempting to escape. He feels as if his heart will explode and his eyes are wide with fear. His body wants to either run fast for the safety of his own bedroom or completely off the island, but instead he remains stock still where he is. 

“Have I done something wrong?”

Silence.

“Should I have killed Hisoka?” He takes a step backwards and points a finger at himself, displaying ownership of his mistakes, “I will kill him. For _you_. For the _family_.”

His father remained silent.

“What do you want me to do?” He can feel the heat of temper rising in him, he wants to get the message across but his urge to kill is rising, “I’ll do _anything_.”

“You do remind me of your mother when you implore like that.” His father chuckled, before racking his gaze over Illumi’s body and then slowly back to his face, “I’ll hold you to that. If you see that clown do not hesitate, kill him.”

“I will.” He said with unwavering determination, “I’ll bring back his _head_. I won’t disappoint you.”

His father eyes flickered upwards, “I trust your words, Illu.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I was going to add Illumi’s full opinion on Hisoka but I didn’t, I think his analysis of Hisoka can have a full chapter while he plans to kill him. 
> 
> As you can see Illumi shows a lot of hatred towards Hisoka at the moment because he has put a obstacle in between Silva and his relationship. 
> 
> Also, I believe that Illumi in the manga and anime is a pretty caring brother he just has a hard time showing his love for killua as he himself was bought up to think pain and abuse equalled love. 
> 
> He just has a warped perception of love. But as you can see in my fic I try and give him a different approach on his love for killua, so trying to get his father to focus on his mishaps instead of brutally training or hurting killua shows his protective side. 
> 
> And thanks again, leave kudos and comments please guys!!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, please tell me if it was any good or if you enjoyed it - its my first fic in the fandom. I've enjoyed so many so I wanted to make my own. Feel free to leave kudos and subscribe, i'll try to update regularly!!
> 
> I’ll try to make chapters longer as we go along!! (Please comment what you think or any ideas)


End file.
